I am Brittney.  I am not defined by my relationships.  I am not defined by my past.  I am not destined to my future.  I can tell you a whole lot of what I'm not.  I'm not racist.  I'm not mean-spirited.  I'm not skinny.  I am not many things.

But I'll tell you what I am. 

I am human.  I will have good days and bad days.  I will fuck up.  I will do well.  I become a whiny bitch during PMS and get cranky when I haven't had enough sleep.  I can be bossy.  I am extroverted.  I have sexual desires and act upon them with consenting adults.  I am a daughter.  I will be a mother someday.  I am a lover.  I am a friend to many.

I am stable in myself.  I don't need to do something just because other people are.  I don't need other people's opinions to form one about myself.  My opinion is good enough to go on.  I am an individual.

I am beautiful inside and out.  I am not defined by how much I weigh that week, because I am gorgeous all the time.  Even on a bad hair day when I haven't showered.  I don't need makeup to be stunning, though I wear it from time to time because it makes me feel good.  My heart and soul are ten times as pretty as my outward appearance.  I am loving, witty, intelligent, spiritual, and made of awesome.  I am a good listener who loves to help.  I am a healer. 

I am a magick practitioner.   I believe in several spiritual theories and put them into practice.  I am a Witch.  My will has the power to change my life when exercised properly.

A friend of mine informed me that he is/will soon be dating a girl he's fallen for over the past months.  This got me thinking.

Dating can be a wonderful thing.  It brings two people closer while getting to know each other.  It brings romance and another reason to live.  It makes people give of them selves with the hopes of getting something simple in return: love.  However, it can also bring out the ugly side of us.  I am not talking about the spats, or even fights that a couple endures (or sometimes ends the relationship), but about the loss of self and the mental unrest the ensues. 

I have learned in the past how NOT to date by all the mistakes I have made along the way.  Granted, me telling you about these mistakes will not make you learn on your own and you still might make them.  I am simply writing what I have learned in hopes that somebody can look out for these mistakes and correct them if it comes to that and possibly not get hurt as badly as I have been. 

The first lesson I've learned in dating is: Do not try to be somebody else for the one you love.  It's natural to placate your lover in order to appease and please them from time to time.  But when you make a habit of this, you lose an integral part of yourself that you need to hold dear.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to please your lover.  But when it comes to doing things simply because of their whim and it goes against what would be good for you, it becomes an issue.  I've seen a man change faith for a lover just to be left in the dust when the lover decides that he "isn't who I fell in love with."  After you've spent all this time searching for yourself, wouldn't it be silly to throw it away on somebody who might not be around as long as you hope?

Which brings me to the second lesson: Spend some time to yourself.  Yes, your lover may make your day brighter, you smile more often, and all the bad things melt away.  But too much of a good thing is a bad thing.  Eating chocolate all day will make you sick.  Similarly, spending 24/7 with a lover will wear away on your nerves and you will get sick of your lover.  Spats will ignite out of thin air.  I know this by personal experience.  The second part of this point is that once you have found yourself, you need time to keep discovering yourself.  Figuring yourself out is a never-ending process because life changes.  Take time to re-evaluate your beliefs or do something special for yourself.  I've found a bubble bath or writing in a journal (online or paper) works wonders.  It doesn't need to be a full day.  Most couples who live together can't leave for a day because of responsibilities, lack of funds, what have you.  But thirty minutes every once in a while will preserve your sanity.  It doesn't have to be every day, but you shouldn't go over a week.  You'll know when you need it.

The third lesson I've learned is the fact that You can not change somebody, you can only change yourself.  And may I say, NEVER change yourself unless you honestly think it will make you a better person.  NEVER change to keep a lover if it is against your better judgment.  I once dated a guy who wanted to change me into the ideal of his perfect wife.  He wanted me to be popular, stop gaming, and stop seeing certain friends.  I tried to be what he wanted for a while, but it hurt me inside.  I thought I could change his jealousy, possessiveness, and manipulation, but the harder I tried the worse he got.  We were both wrong and hated each other in the end.  He's a good person, but in the end all I saw was the bad.  And I didn't want to hurt him or give up hope because I did love him, so I let the relationship go on longer than I should have. 

Which brings me to the next point: Do not stay in a relationship to spare somebody's feelings.  This will only hurt them more.  The knowledge that you wanted out of the relationship long before you end it, or, worse, that you say you love them but really don't, can really hurt a person.  They usually hate you for this, especially if they still have feelings for you. 

Do not sleep with somebody you have broken up with and do not plan to get back together with.  Do not get back together with somebody without truly thinking it through.  (Yeah, I know, two lessons in one).  This only leads them on and hurts you.  After becoming "fuck buddies," memories of your relationship may cause you to want to get back together with them.  You must ask yourself, "Have the issues been solved?  Are their character flaws resolved by their choice?  Are they just changing to get you back?"  If the issues haven't been solved, their character flaws still prevail, and they're only trying to change for you, RUN AWAY QUICKLY.  If they have changed for the better and you feel that they're worth a second shot, use your best judgment.  The loss of love hurts.  Even if you're the one that broke up with them.  Dating somebody a second time always provokes memories of the first time.  If you don't let enough time go by to get back to yourself, re-evaluate, and grow, then the second time will probably be just as bad as the first.

The person you love should reinforce Who You Are and make you discover more about yourself.  A relationship that is simply fun is not really a relationship.  It's a relationship of symbiosis.  While that is good to a point, there should be more to a relationship than working well together.  There should be passion, similarity, soul-searching, and intimacy beyond the physical.  Everyday "love thy brother" is great.  Everybody should love as much as they can.  But when choosing a lover/partner you should love with all of your heart, not sparing anything but a small section of yourself that is reserved for strictly yourself.  That small section is your love for yourself.  Do not let anybody mess with it, for it is all you carry throughout your entire life that is truly yours.

I'm so adamant about these lessons because they are what I have learned through years of mistakes.  All of these lessons have hurt to learn.  Not just emotionally, but spiritually.  When I was in the midst of learning (or fucking-up if you will) my spirit felt like it was under weight.  It causes you to question yourself, which isn't all bad, but isn't healthy in ferocity.  If you find these to be untrue, that's fine because you must seek your own truth.

Good luck to my friend who has recently gotten the opportunity to further get to know and possibly love the girl he has been chasing after.  I hope this helps.

Always me and blessed be,
Cerelupe

So, I was browsing through some of my old work.  I wrote this a long time ago without knowing why I wrote it, just that it sounded right.  Knowing what I do now, and having experienced this weekend, this makes perfect sense to me now.  Just thought I'd share.



Without

In your years of searching
treasure troves of imagination
disasterous recreations
the purpose of being
evades your grasp

Somewhere between the waking
and the foggy-headed dream:
the rebuttal of reality
at the foot of a perfect city
sunken to ruins
preoccupied perception

The ideas were all there
maps without a compass
flight without purpose
running without direction
left with only desire
for unobtainable goals

Tied down to bedposts
tied up in meetings
the connection severed within
seeing adventure
yearning for truth
a solo sparrow
in a world of crows

So spiral down, Atlantis
find your philosopher's stone
it's all you have left